Dear Axl Rose,

Fuck you. Fuck YOU. FUCK you. FUCK YOU. Why are you releasing Chinese Democracy on a Sunday? Too good for Tuesday like everyone else? Trying to make the number 1 spot by releasing it before Tuesday because everyone knows Chinese Democracy will suck? Maybe I'm wrong (no), maybe I'm drunk (yes), maybe I'm just plain skeptical of an album that has been worked on since 1994 and is finally being released 14 years later. What have they been doing for 14 fucking years? Pitch tuning your voice because you can't hit the high notes anymore?

Axl...please listen to me. NO AXL DON'T GET ANGRY. Actually, it's kind of hard to tell what emotion is on your face because of your thirty face lifts. You've got a less emotive face than the world's #1 botox victim Laura fucking Bush. But Axl, do you remember when you were cool? I mean, I don't technically because I wasn't born yet. But I've seen the videos. "Welcome to the Jungle?" You were hot! Though I'd never admit it, except in a facebook blog. And it had a Clockwork Orange reference. Awesome! Look, I've bought my copy of Appetite for Destruction and was unafraid to yell "YES I LOVE THIS ALBUM IT KICKS ASS IT IS FUN AND MR BROWNSTONE IS THE BEST SONG ABOUT HEROIN EVER". Hey, your cover album is pretty awesome too, just because it's got some great choices. Misfits? Johnny Thunders? New York Dolls? FEAR???! Great, A+, Fantastic!

Axl, let it go. You were cool. You should be remember that way. Your little crab walk and your flower print Betsey Johnson pants were wonderful. But now you have a face that rapes my mind, dreadlocks (white guys with dreadlocks = a huge no no, what were you thinking?!), and you only seem to wear sports jerseys. Let's face it, you now look like a Level 3 Sex Offender who lives in a homeless shelter and sings on the side of the road for change. Ya blew it Axl, ya blew it!

Oh, and I just read this album is going to be released at Best Buy ONLY. Wow. I know Guns 'n' Roses never said FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT, but way to fuck over ever single little record store in the country. I have lost respect for every single band that only releases albums at large chain stores that are raping the country (ps i used to work at borders lulz). Actually, I never had respect for the Eagles, so I guess it's different with you. You can change this! Allow Chinese Democracy to be downloaded for free on the internet. Actually, you don't have to allow it, because it will be done by most people anyways. I refuse to buy this album, but instead will download it and mock it from my own home. And if I enjoy it, then fuck you even more Axl. because I just wrote this whole letter and it will mean nothing if I can kick out the jams to your 14-year masterpiece(?).

Love,
ellen

p.s. stop dragging down tommy stinson with you. he was the hottest guy in the replacements! and Tommy, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! every time i see pictures of you playing with guns n roses, you are wearing some god awful used car salesman suit.

p.p.s: thanks for the free doctor pepper.