Things to accomplish in the next 10 minutes

attempt to learn a sentence in spanish that is not "yo tengo un gato en mis pantolones" or "mi abuela es en mi boca? si! si!"

get over my fear of driving and finally get a license

buy a pinto and throw some d's on that bitch

give bob barker eternal life so drew carey can no longer host the price is right. seriously, he is fucking horrible and the only good thing about his tv show was when henry rollins guest starred and beat him up in one episode.

pay back loans with money stolen from an orphanage and beating up little old ladies

get a job at WGBH writing shows for children. not because i like children in a sexy way, but because this job will allow me to drink heavily and take psychedelic drugs. i mean, how the fuck else do they come up with kids shows? have you seen "between the lions"? that shit is crazy

cure wilford brimley's diabeetus so he won't crush that poor horse anymore in the liberty medical commercials

meet glenn danzig, then cry after realizing i am about 6 inches taller than him, and that some guy from a shitty band still managed to knock him the fuck out. why glenn why??!

make a toaster that prints pictures of jesus on each slice of toast; sell them on ebay and make millions, i tell you! MILLIONS!!

write autobiography entitled "it's funny cuz it's true, ain't it folks?"

sell film rights of autobiography to lifetime network for millions; have self played by judith light or fantasia

make a thrash-polka tiny tim tribute album

invent genres of music "thrash-polka" and "christian thrash-polka"

make rock opera based on beowulf with music composed by bruce dickinson and costumes by bob mackie

make father-daughter dance at wedding to "stuntin like my daddy" by lil wayne and birdman

bungee jump with a cord made of twizzlers into a pool of butterscotch and taffy!

participate in a life or death interpretive dance off to the song "scat man"

resurrect scatman john's career

ask magic johnson if he is actually "magic" and his powers have thus prevented him from ever getting full blown AIDS

continue having awkward celebrity encounters (previous awkward celebrity encounters include shouting "GEOOOOOOOOOOOOORGE!" into George Clinton's ear because he was like 5 inches away from me and getting the stink eye in return, and also full on crashing into Morgan Spurlock as he came out of the men's room at a movie theater)

appear on the people's court as an overly emotional audience member who sits behind plantiff

make alex trebek grow back his mustache

hire group of primordial dwarves to follow me around and do my bidding. they're just so darn cute!!

have number 1 song in japan called " super american mustache ride party 2000". make music video featuring uncomfortable close ups of facial and pubic hair